Really, guys? Eight people married in the last three months? Really? Are you fucking serious? Look, I'm sure you're all lubed up about finding that special someone to spend the rest of your miserable, nine-to-five life with, but give me a fucking break! This shit is spreading faster than AIDS in Africa and I'm getting a little sick of hearing about it, so guess what? You get to read about me trashing what you're calling the greatest thing that ever happened to you, and what you'll probably call the biggest mistake of your life a year from now.
First of all, think about how many people there are in the world today. Hell, up the odds in your favor a bit and just think about how many people are in your fucking state. Are you honestly naive enough to think that you found the one person out of every example of the genetic AmTrak that takes place when a race is propagated from two people (or amoeba if you're an evolutionist, I don't really give a shit, somebody took their sister to prom at some point either way), you actually managed to find your so-called soulmate? Are you fucking kidding me? If you were so spiritually connected to one another, you wouldn't bitch at each other like one of you just got caught finger fucking the family dog every time the cable bill came in the mail. Shut the fuck up.
Second, life-long commitment, and don't give me that "people have been getting married for millenia" bullshit, either. Look, life-long commitment was all fine and dandy when the average human life expectancy was rivaled by the shelf life of a gallon of milk, but this the twenty-first century for fuck's sake! People live long enough to see their great-grandchildren fuck up just as bad as they did when they were kids, and you're telling me that you're going to share living space, a bed, financial burdens and bodily fluids for the rest of your life? Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you adopt a unicorn while you're at it, jackass?
Third, procreation. Yeah, that's right, pooling your wretched, polluted genetic data into one (or ten if you're Catholic) bundle of cliche joy that, despite it's deceptively unthreatening stature, is going to assrape you out of every spare cent you're ever going to make? I can't even manage to love one person, and you honestly think you're going to glide through putting up with two other people under your roof that you're legally obligated to devote yourself to without question or complaint? Which fucking truck did you fall off of, exactly, and what kind of mind-altering substance were you packed away with before you did?
Look, I've been to the movies, too. Y'know why they never show what happens after the charming, Hollywood-handsome male hooks up with the sweet, innocent, big-titted closet nymphomaniac female? Because it's all downhill from there, fucktard! Marriage isn't the solution to your problem. A six-pack, a magazine and a lock on your door is more cost-efficient, less stressful and a hell of a lot less soul-crushing than putting a ring on someone's finger ever will be.
And it doesn't bitch about curtains and wallpaper, either.
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