Oh, the humanity...no, seriously.

I hate nights like this. Nights when my mind's going in a million different directions at once, gears turning a mile a minute in some desperate attempt to distract me from my own frail mortal bullshit. I've got worries, problems, hopes, fears, desires and things I pray with every fiber of my being that never come to pass, whether I know they will or not.
I'm human, a member of the worst thing to ever happen to Earth since it's creation. Strong in some ways, weak in others, and towing the line between both in most. I brave up, I get scared, and at the end of the day it doesn't really matter which I do more. All the jokes and rantings won't change a damn thing in the long run, no matter how many people think they make me sound like a genius or a prick, depending on who they are and how much shit they had to swallow that day.
See? Perfect example. Yeah, everything above pertained to the same thing, but it was all about as random as Indiana weather.
Indiana. Never thought I'd say, or in this case type, that word and have any sense of longing whatsoever. I miss people there, more than I ever would've thought. Fact is, moving to California wasn't even a knee-jerk reaction. It was just one of those "What If" scenerios that spiraled way the fuck outta' control way too quick. Do I regret it? Hell no. I proved something to myself by coming out here with nothing but a paycheck, some old debts called in, my car and a place to crash. I found a job damn quick, especially by West coast standards. By some minor miracle I managed to attract the positive attention of a few people who, in all honesty, don't know me from Adam, and all that's kept me warm on nights that would otherwise probably have frozen me solid. None of that changes the fact that I bailed on a lot of what I had back East without even knowing it. Same old story, the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, only when you get there, you realize that the grass on the old side wasn't so bad after all.
I know what would've happened if I'd have stayed, though. I felt it happening, a flippancy that could've turned me into something that I never wanna' be. I don't mind having the mindset of an anarchic criminal, that much is pretty well hardwired into my DNA. The day I'm afraid of is when I finally break the moral compass that seperates being a criminal from being irredeemable.
You'd never know it to look at or listen to me, but redemption's a big part of my daily thought processes. Fact is I've done some rotten things to people in my life, and that keeps me awake a lot more than I'd like to admit. Disregard for the law I can handle; it was written by people who don't have a clue how the world I'm from works. It's disregard for people that I'm afraid of. When my apartment was broken into, it wasn't that my stuff got ganked that bothered me. What bothered me was that someone out there didn't have a rip about whose stuff they ganked. Ya' wanna' hit up some rich fuck's summer house for some extra dosh, be my guest, but don't rip off the lower-middle class working stiff who just wants to come home, jam out on his guitar, play an old beat up PS2 and pretend he's got it better than he does. That's just dick.
More immediately, I ain't scared of jail; I've been around too long and known too many convicts to buy into the media craze that prison's a bunch'a big, burly, tatted-up fags trying to assrape anyone who walks through the door. What's got me wigged out is what it's gonna' mean for my life when I get out. I've got a relatively decent job, I've got a place to live and, more importantly, other people living here who depend on my contributions to maintain their own lives. I go away, I lose my job. I lose my job, we might all lose our place, and that throws all manner of wrenches into the cogs. I can't afford a plane ticket back to Missouri for this shit, and the legal office has me chasin' my own tail tryin' to get this transfer sorted out. Likely, it won't happen, and then my ass'll really be in the fire.
I'm watching everyone around me get into relationships that don't seem as stupid and inconsequential as they used to. Sleeping alone sucks, and they fact that I'm one of the few still doing so sucks even worse. Worst of all, it's got me looking back on past relationships that weren't worth shit like they were the golden days, and that's got me a little pissed at the world in general. Life, thy flavor is bitterness. Also, fuck you.
I miss my brother and his dumbass antics that made me feel like I wasn't the only one afraid to take a chance and fuck up a little. I miss his crazy girlfriend who said I was a junked out car with a bad-ass engine that just needed a little tweaking, after she and her siblings agreed I looked a little like Johnny Depp. I miss my sister, even though we almost never hung out, because I spent most of my life wondering who and how she was and now that I'm two thousand miles away I'm afraid I might never see her again. I miss Will for being obnoxiously right and knowing me better than I know myself, I miss Scott and all his self-deprecating comments and seeming reliance on me to dispute them. I miss that stupid apartment on Main Street that everyone told me kicked ass. I miss Felicia and Penny, and the way they acted like me showing up on their doorstep looking like death warmed over was the best thing that happened to them every time I stopped by. Hell, I even miss my old man a little, even though I'm a little pissed that it took moving across the country to get a phone call out of him.
I miss my old life, no matter how much promise the new one has.
I wanna' go home, I wanna' stay here, I want everything, damn it.
And after all this ranting, I wanna' go to bed.