Look, I know my friends and I are all at that age where we start thinking about how warm and fuzzy we'd feel if we settled down and started our own families. It's the curse of getting older, we start worrying about our own genetic progeny, we start entertaining thoughts of how wicked cool our offspring would be. We play mental scenerios of baseball games, birthdays, sex talks and embarassing the shit out of them in front of their first serious significant others.
Sorry to burst your bubble folks, but in case you've forgotten, life sucks. S'true.
There isn't enough food on the planet at this point in time to adequately feed the current population, and at the current rate of knocked up prom dates per capita, it's only slated to get worse. Overpopulation and resource scarcity is an escalating problem, and guess what? It's our fault! Yeah, I know, it's a buzzkill, and having been raised Catholic I'm probably in no place to preach, but humanity's rapid spread across the globe is destroying this planet.
While I'll grant you that after the inevitable death of one of God's most disastrous oversights, more commonly known as the baby boomers, things'll get a little better, it isn't enough. What would be enough is if someone got America and China together, sat them down in the biggest gymnasium in history and instructed our respective cultures on how to use a fucking condom. At least China's trying. Killing babies isn't the coolest thing they've ever done, but they're putting forth an effort, and I respect that. America, on the other hand? America rewards it's populace for fucking like rabbits with free money. Free. Fucking. Money. What kind of incentive is that to pay a little fucking courtesy to the rest of the world? "Y'know, overpopulation is going to result in planet-wide food shortages, and we're not gonna' have enough space for these little bastards to stand and wave their arms around without smacking their neighbors in their scrunched up little faces, but hey, we're fine at the moment. Here's twenty bucks, Miss Legswideopen. The rest is in the mail."
And yes, I know how this is gonna' go over with those of my friends who already have children and think that they're the greatest thing since Nintendo, but y'know something? Every parent on the planet thinks their kid is going to grow up to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner. They're not. In all likelihood, they're gonna' end up just like everyone else; subsisting on frozen pizza and working some stupid, underpaying job, driving like idiots, and generally wasting more oxygen than they're worth.
"But Rem, the sanctity of life, the miracle of childbirth, the first time they burp, baby blue walls with rubber ducky wallpaper and-" shut the fuck up. Children are loud, obnoxious, and smell funny even on the best of days. I refuse to respect any human being as a worthwhile individual until they can wipe their own ass, and by that time they've usually picked up enough jackass habits that I hate them anyway. Long story short, pop the pill, wear the patch, make your skeezy-assed boyfriend double wrap it, I don't care. Just stop multiplying, and stop pretending it's a miracle.
Fuck's sake, you shit all over yourself popping the little bastards out. What's so miraculous about that?
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