Apparently no one told you...

...But sex is a good time. No shit (and feel free to take that in more than one context, ya’ miserable deviants). Yep, fucking is pretty much the only reason that most men even bother getting out of bed in the morning. You could say that they wake up in order to go to work, but that’s just part of the trip. See, men work to support themselves, and having a place is part of supporting one’s self. Why? So we have somewhere to bring back the chicks who bought into our attempts at being charming and, thusly, plan to spread their legs while we grunt and sweat all over them for an hour or two.
Unfortunately, there are a great many issues that women, for whatever reason, seem to think merit not having sex. For those in a hurry, I’ll sum up this entire blog in one very simple statement: Unless your vagina is resembles some sort of hideous B-movie space alien, it’s a safe bet that we still wanna’ stick and stir you. For those of you who aren’t in a hurry, proceed below for...

Rem’s List Of Stupid Things Women Overreact To In The Bedroom

1. You forgot to shave your legs that day. So you forgot to pick up a new pack of Lady Bics on your way home from work last night and got a little stubbly. It’s not the end of the world. Honestly, unless you’re some kind of hippie scumcunt who found money under your pillow for a baby tooth more recently than you trimmed up, we don’t care.
2. You don’t think it’ll be special. Sex isn’t special. It isn’t some magic pagan ritual signifying the union of two hearts that beat only for each other, and honestly, every time you call it ’making love’, the world gets a little more gay. Make what? No, you fuck, and then the room smells weird because all you really made was a mess. I’ve used that line once before in my blogs, I know, but it fits. Put away the romance book, close your eyes, I’ll get a towel ready and we can get to work.
3. You have to be up early tomorrow. Ladies, there is absolutely no reason at all why this sentence shouldn’t be the best thing any man can hope to here. Sex isn’t always a long process. God blessed us with The Quickie for a reason; wham, bam, thank you ma’am, no I’m not cuddling because you’re not the only one who has to be up early tomorrow. Go to sleep.
4. You think we won’t respect you. Personally, I respect someone who doesn’t deny herself a good time a hell of a lot more than someone who turns it down for fear of some non-existent stigma that a woman who sleeps with a friend/a boyfriend/a husband/me is a sloptwat. Remember, no one likes a prude; we just pretend to until you put out and we mount our cumsoaked sheets on the wall as a tribute to our unerring tolerance for puritanical bullshit in the face of potential naked feel-good happy time.
5. You have morning breath. This is another one of those "We don’t give a shit" situations. Honestly, if you’re that concerned about it, keep a box of Tic Tacs by the bed and let’s start the day out right, damn it!
6. You have a headache. Well, my nad ache is worse, I guarantee it.
7. You’re on your period. Are you fucking kidding me? The other three and a half weeks of the month we swap spit, semen, sweat and God only knows how many germs in more capacities than even I’m comfortable thinking about, and you’re worried about a little blood getting on the sheets? Every time I hear this I wonder if there’s a way to tell someone to stop being a fucktard without hurting my chances of getting my cock wet. Seriously, have a little common sense.
8. You’re afraid the neighbors will hear. That’s funny, because I’m hoping the neighbors’ll here. The wife’s kind’a hot, and I’ve got a reputation to think about.
9. You’re afraid the children will hear. Though not something I’ve experienced personally due to the fact that all the single mothers I’ve had sex with came to my place and left their children with someone else, it does come up. Not to contaminate you with that nasty logic stuff, but it didn’t seem to bother you when you were horny and your partner’s cock was probably a quarter’s width away from little Timmy’s face as he was nestled snugly in your womb. Seriously, which do you think is worse: hearing the headboard hit the wall a few times, or staring in wide-eyed terror as your first introduction to the outside world keeps trying to hit you in the forehead and, upon failure, spits at you and leaves?
10. You’re still angry over an earlier dispute. Look, I understand grudges better than anyone, but what the hell? What’s the point in both of us being miserable because I didn’t like the toilet seat cover you thought made the bathroom so much prettier? Besides, when you get right down to it, when the hell else are you going to get a free pass to do so much damage? Have you ever once, in your entire life, heard a man complain because you left too many claw marks on his back? It’s the perfect solution to the domestic confrontation! You get to draw blood, I get to grudge fuck you, and both of us get our rocks off and feel better afterward.

In closing, I have absolutely nothing more to say. Good night, good luck, and good grief, put out a little more often!